Moving outside the zone

Remember when you started driving?

You felt Nervous – having to learn about road rules, how the car works, how to avoid other drivers (including cops)… I certainly remember feeling nervous, as though I would never make it. But then, you pass the test and drive a bit and suddenly, getting into a car is second nature.

That feeling of nervousness is the almost tangible edge of your comfort zone. When you do something despite that feeling of nervousness (and assuming you don’t fail miserably), you expand your comfort zone.

Then you get into a car which is automatic (or manual) and you feel nervous again. This is the edge of your new, expanded comfort zone.

Yes, moving outside your comfort zone takes courage, confidence and the will to get past it, but that is what life is about!

How often do you push the boundaries of your comfort zone?

 

 

The 3 most common fears – 3/3

What is it that holds you back from doing what you want? There are 3 most common fears that keep popping up when I ask that question and which stop people from being confident. However, the biggest question is not what they are, but what one can do to gain control of them. Fears are good, but only as long as they UNDER control, not IN control. Here are the 3 most common blocks to action, along with one way to gain control of them:

3) Fear of Rejection

Sometimes it’s just a question of how you look at yourself.
Photo by Pedro Moura Pinheiro

How many times has your request been rejected? How many times have your attempts been blocked? Publishers, Universities, Employers, Clients, Team members, Strangers… So many people who we regularly ask for something say, “No.” Yes, it is easy to advise to just keep going. But I already know that. I already know that it is sometimes the 99th request which is finally accepted. But I still feel as though it is not my request which is being rejected, but me. My being. They don’t like me. My application/book/product/service/offer is a part of ME so it is ME they do not want. How can I continue to offer anything – especially myself – if no one likes me?

Although there are a few ‘quick-fix’ ideas that can work (visualisation, positive thinking…), the truth is that the fear of rejection is linked to your own self-worth. The less self-worth you have, you stronger your fear of rejection will be. And increasing self worth can be tricky, as it is based on what you think of yourself, often based on things that have happened in the past.

However, it is possible to improve self worth (thereby lessening the fear of rejection). Self worth is built on the realisation that others appreciate who/what you are. Everyone has something they are good at, though a lot of people don’t realise that others might appreciate that strength. Being good at something others wish they could do is great and having self worth in that case is not hard – you will have realised fairly quickly that your skills are valuable. But everyone has something they are good at. So start appreciating yourself for who you are. Even if you think that everyone hates you, love yourself.

Start a list of things you like about yourself. Each and every day for one month, add 3 things to that list. It might be that you have really nice ankles. Or that you are sensitive. Or that you see beauty in everything. Or anything else which YOU think is good/nice/positive about yourself (physically, emotionally, spiritually, things you are good at, etc…). Every couple of days, read through the list again and remind yourself of how valuable you are. How amazing you are. How WORTHY you are. And don’t comment below telling me you cannot think of anything! EVERYONE has something that can like about themselves – even if it is just the fact you care enough about your cat to feed it… That means you are caring.

By building up and referring to your list on a daily basis for a month (or more), you will start to appreciate yourself, leading to an increase in self worth, leading to a growing feeling that you are actually a worthwhile person who is fully justified in being on this planet/asking for that job/applying to that university/asking to be published/offering your service/product etc.

Then go out and do it!

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What would you do differently if you had more confidence?

As a Keynote speaker, trainer and coach, Kanuka helps people increase their confidence, thus increasing not only their bottom line, but also their quality of life, what they get out of relationships and how they feel about themselves. http://www.ikanukan.co.nz

Why people don’t take action

With all the material available teaching us how to stay fit, be healthy, be successful, achieve anything… Why is it that we are still fat, unhealthy, poor and stuck in our day jobs? What makes anyone else more capable of achieving their goal, than we are of achieving ours? What holds us back?

This is a theme I been studying for a while now. About 8 years ago it suddenly became a very clear question for me. I was in Germany, studying theatre, part of which included learning to speak correctly – i.e. with the correct accent. I was in a speech class with native Germans. The teacher asked us, “How do you say the sound which is spelled ä?” There was a lengthy discussion, as the students were from various parts of Germany and had strong opinions, until they settled on a few – all of which were wrong. The teacher then told us how it is supposed to be said (like the sound spelled “e” for you curious people). So far, so good. The big revelation, however, came the following week, when the teacher asked us exactly the same question. I turned to him and said, “but you asked us that last week!” He replied to say nothing and see what happens. Exactly the same conversation took place, with people giving exactly the same answers and coming to exactly the same – wrong – conclusions. They had not taken in what the teacher had said a week earlier.

I was so flabbergasted, I could not believe it. And it would seem that it is a widespread problem, as I have encountered it many times since then.

I therefore started thinking about what leads us to make these same mistakes, over and over, what stops us from taking the advice of the experts, taking the right actions, rather than continuing what one has done – with negative results – before.

Here are the results of my searches:

1) Procrastination: Many people have difficulty doing something which takes effort, courage, will power, or breaking out of the ‘comfortable’.

2) Habit: It is hard to change one’s ways, despite people saying it only takes 21 days. A more realistic view is that a habit (i.e. getting to the point where it is automatic) may take as long as 3 times that, or even longer, depending on the habit and person trying to acquire it. Sometimes this is made even harder by one habit being linked to others eg. Going for a run in the morning may be linked to going to bed earlier, which may be linked to eating earlier in the evenings, which may be linked to starting to cook earlier (or cooking at all), which may be linked to being hungry earlier, which may be linked to having lunch earlier and lunchtime may be determined by the boss. So that in fact, my boss is the reason I don’t run in the morning!

3) Fear: Especially fear of failure, ridicule and the unknown. “If I ask that expert, that will make me look stupid.” Why? Experts who are not willing to explain and help people who are not as good as them are not worthy of the name. Admitting that you do not know something does not make you look stupid, it makes you look intelligent. Only intelligent people can admit their faults. And not knowing something is not even a fault. Try this exercise: think about what you are good at. It may be a sport, maths, languages, art, cooking, watching TV, driving… Everyone is good at something. How would you feel if someone came up to you and seriously said, “I think you are really good at [your thing]. Would you mind showing me how I can become better at it? I would even be willing to pay you.” Would you think that person is stupid? You might wonder why they would want to learn it, but assuming they really did, would you sneer at them? Insult them? If you answered no to these questions, if you would merely accept to show them, why do you feel that someone who is better than you at something else would laugh at you? Is what you are looking to learn any less noble than what you are already good at? (If you replied yes, take courage, not everyone is like you.)